Importance of Honorary Aunt (issued in 2020)

This story was originally published in September. 5, 2019 NYT parenting.

My husband and I are the product of a terribly small family. He is the only child of a divorced only child, and I am the sister of two daughters and one brother who is an adopted brother who lives in a group house and does not have his own family.

When your parents are both only children, your childhood Aunt, uncle Cousin. He grew up and longed for the dissonance of a large family, but he was quiet except for a few older relatives. This is one of the reasons my husband and I decided to have our own larger family.

As the years of our advanced marriage, our holiday table has grown to include our own babies from our two, my parents and siblings. Sometimes my neighbors and friends had no other place to celebrate, but it was still my own childhood repeat. The longing for someone who was fully invested there to share our lives, especially the lives of our children, has always shaken my heart.

And I met her.

When my son was in the same kindergarten class, I first found my friend. In the lobby of an elementary school full of her parents waiting for a kindergarten alphabet breakfast, I saw her gently rolling her youngest back and forth in a stroller. ABC.

[Making friends with other parents can be tricky. Here’s our guide.]

It was one of the seemingly endless but important events that showed the progress of our children’s first grade in school and was an opportunity to get to know the faces of other parents. These were the faces we’ll see at school events over the next 12 years. My friend and I never connected that day, and we couldn’t pinpoint exactly when we really crossed the road, but when we did, the bond was instant and strong.

When I connected, my friend and I realized that we had a lot in common. I have a boy who needs special help, she has some quirky boys. She is a devoted Catholic and I am a devoted Protestant. We talk about how much divine power is needed to survive difficult maternal journeys and highs and lows of family life.

They say friends are the family of your choice, and that’s true. She is a sister I have never seen and will be in honor of my children’s relatives. My boy knew her simply as her “aunt” and she has witnessed big and small moments in our family. My friend, who is always present in the lives of our children, is an underprivileged gift for many blood families.

When my dad had a stroke and I rushed to the hospital with my husband, she did a baby sat for my children. When her dad fought the last days of cancer, I glued my cell phone to my hand and sent and received text. She was busy raising four of her own children, but she stood beside us as her son had repeated surgery each year and had a total of nearly 25 surgeries. More medical fears follow.

She appears every year on Christmas Eve with a still warm homemade coffee cake wrapped in a hug and colorful cellophane. Homemade Irish soda bread is for cents. There are always surprises and goodies on Patrick’s Day and Easter. Thanks to her drop, most of the day at least one of my kids had clothes, shoes and boots with their names written in a faded black sharpie pen somewhere on the inner seam. I’m wearing.

We have loved each other’s children like ourselves. When they can’t get it done, they take them to endless activities. I love them. I pray for them. Watch them grow. She drove my boy on his first day at work because I had to be in a different location from the other boys. Her daughter was accepted by her best design school after filming her application project in my basement.

Late one afternoon, we stood in the kitchen and all the lights were brightened to illuminate a small black-and-white ultrasound image printed on flimsy paper. My friend and her daughter were flocking nearby. I was only one month pregnant with my fourth child. I had three boys and lost a baby girl in a miscarriage many years ago. We all guessed: is this a boy or a girl?

A few months later, a second ultrasonography revealed that our last child was definitely a boy. My friend was ecstatic to meet this latest nephew and take a shower with him with love like any other nephew. I was incredibly grateful not only for her friendship, but also for her position in our family.

When she first embraced my youngest child, I was able to see a form of immediate special connection between them. Her husband and I didn’t choose a formal godparent with an older boy, but she felt compelled to ask if she would be our youngest godfather. She cried in the light and she said so. She embraces him in his dedication and occupies an incredibly special place in his life.

Last year, my aunt was helping her teacher in a class next to my son’s kindergarten classroom. She has always been a professional at school, but sometimes sneaked a hug, and on those first anxious days of kindergarten, she sits at lunch at his snap or playground with their selfies. I sent the photo taken with a heart emoji or quick. Our boy is fine! It was like having his sister watch him when I wasn’t there and let his son know that his aunt was always in the building. This year he was in the first grade and reassured him that she was always just below the hallway. This is a great comfort for our sensitive son.

Many children are fortunate to involve an extended family, but if not, it is worth hiring special and supportive people to play these important roles. They say they need a village to raise a child, and if the child is lucky enough to have an honorable aunt, they are really blessed.

Laura Richards A writer and mother of four sons. She lives west of Boston with her husband and her children.

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